Nobel Peace Prize: Shortlist

Many people seem to think that Barack Obama should not have won the Nobel Peace Prize.

At the Secret Service of Lolland, we know better. 

For we have seen the Shortlist - the list of the top 10 contenders for the Nobel Peace Prize this year. After looking at them and their (abridged) resumes, we are sure that you, too, will agree that Barack should have won it - there was just no competition.

9. Saddam Hussein: for bringing more than ten years of peace to an entire country, by the simple method of killing everyone who wanted to befoul the peaceful atmosphere of Iraq by trying to kill him. He did kill a few more people than was strictly necessary, and in a few more countries than was strictly decent, but you should never take a chance, should you? 

8. That Boring History Teacher: for increasing world peace by instantly putting 60 students to painless, healthy sleep for an hour three times a week in every school in the world. The Boring History Teacher deserves a special mention, because he/she can cause this blessed state of peace even when talking about something as horrifically violent as World War II. Of course, not all History teachers are boring, but we haven't seen too many examples of this endangered species, so this nomination stands. 

7. The Australian Cricket Team: for appearing in a must-lose-for-India-to-advance cricket match against Pakistan, and hence making Indians cheer for Pakistanis. This would have won for sure, but Pakistan lost, thereby increasing the negative feelings Indians had for Pakistanis hundredfold.

6. Applicants for jobs: who make resumes that have so many accomplishments and achievements and laurels that it is hard to understand why the applicant is not already the President of the Universe and Husband of Megan Fox. Setting those aside, the applicant should at least qualify for the Nobel Peace Prize based on his exemplary character, which combines the saintliness of God, all the angels and Mahatma Gandhi.

5. Nirupa Roy: for always playing the role of the Bechaari Maa in every Hindi film there was for a long time, and crying so much and looking so sad so often that nobody had the heart to fight too much in her presence. Also, the audience tends to go to sleep when she comes on screen, thereby changing their state to a more peaceful one. Her form of struggle is even more powerful than Mahatma Gandhi's Ahimsa - Struggle by Boredom and Tears.

4. Crystal Harris (Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend): she created a new climate in international politics. Multilateral diplomacy has regained a central position, with emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play. Dialogue and negotiations are preferred as instruments for resolving even the most difficult international conflicts. The vision of a world free from nuclear arms has powerfully stimulated disarmament and arms control negotiations. Thanks to her initiative, the USA is now playing a more constructive role in meeting the great climatic challenges the world is confronting. Democracy and human rights are to be strengthened.

Oh...wait.

3. Stone Cold Steve Austin: for bringing the peace of unconsciousness to more than 1000 souls, by giving them Stunners; for adding to their peace by cooling down their body by pouring beer on it. (The Undertaker was on this list for saying 'Rest in Peace' multiple times every week, but there was a rule of only one wrestler. Besides, the World Heavyweight Championship Nobel Peace Prize cannot be given to the Undead.)

2. The Shiv Sena: OK, this is slightly complicated. War is the opposite of Peace, right? Right.

Now, everyone has heard the saying 'Make Love, not War'. So Love is also an opposite of War, and competes with Peace for this. The Shiv Sena are against public display of love, and are against love at all between unmarried couples (especially on February 14). So they favour Peace in this titanic struggle. So they should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

1. George W. Bush: for proving that a world which laughs together at a President is more united. At least, in their shoe-throwing. Also, for invading only two countries instead of eight in his Presidential tenure.

0. Peter Buckley (the worst boxer in the world): for taking non-violence to the arena where it would hurt him the most - the boxing ring. He had an astonishing 256 defeats in his career, and said things like "I’m always in the gym, so if I get a call a couple of hours before a fight, I usually say yes". Also, he promoted peace by spreading prosperity among those of his fans who liked a wager. I mean, when one of the fighters in a bout has lost 256 matches, it doesn't take Einstein to figure out whom to back.