What You Learn in School

In the process of deciding the curriculum for the University of Lolland, we decided to first ascertain what Indian students learn in their schooling. And as usual, the P.U.S.S.I.E. uncovered some amazing facts beneath the obvious facade of teaching languages, science and social sciences. This is what kids learn in school.

1. You will never like your lunch food because your mom does not make food for you, she makes it for your classmates. Don't worry, there is someone in your class whose mom makes lunch for you. Find him/her.

2. Lunch break is not meant for eating lunch, it's for playing cricket. Four classes before that is lunchtime.

3. The art of filling a fountain pen. Utterly useless and needlessly complicated, like many arts.

4. Parker Pen > Hero Pen > Pilot Pen > Any other pen.


5. The Date. (cos you have to write it 6 times a day in school)

6. The National Anthem. (have you ever sung it after leaving school, not counting Aug 15. Hell, even counting Aug 15?)

7. The most amusing joke in the world is Life Processes - II in biology textbooks. Yes, that one.

8. The Principal is more evil than Satan, Hitler and Ekta Kapoor combined.

9. Every teacher must be christened with a new name by every new class he/she teaches.

10. All differences can be settled by a one on one cricket match.

11. The school bus has locked seating arrangement going front to back with increasing seniority of class. To be allowed sit further behind than your age is the highest honour in the Universe.

12. If you are female, you shall learn about many Weapons of Male Destruction for the first time in school, like Valentine's Day and Crush Lists.

13. Well, you will also gain some Weapons of Male Distraction. Use them wisely..

14. If you are male, you shall realize the existence of females.

15. FLAME is the most reliable way of finding future spouse/spice.

16. Love == walking around the playground during lunch break.

17. The ideal distance between two people is One Arm.

18. Board Exams == Mount Doom.

19. It is perfectly fine to relentlessly tease and bully people who are weaker than you. By the time they become serial killers, you won't be in the picture. Hopefully.

20. Hand/book cricket with an aluminium foil ball is a very challenging and interesting game.

21. Not wearing a belt or wearing wrong socks is the ultimate expression of rebellion.

22. If a teacher writes Good or draws stars in your book in red ink, you are God.

23. When the whole class is punished together, giggling uncontrollably for no reason is a good idea.

24. All batches, senior and junior, have hotter girls than your ugly batch. This is true for every batch. Hence when asked, there is never any girl in your class you like.

25. Writing your name over and over again in different font styles in the last page is very productive.

26. Awesome rules, like:
I before e - except after c,
BB Roy of Great Britain has a Very Good Wife,
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,
My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets... and many such more.
And who can forget...
HuhHeeLiBeeBuCkNOFunNee NaMugAlSiPaSClAr KucCaSureshChandraTiwariViceChairMnFeeCoNiCuZenGaGeyAsSeeBarKrar
(If your school did not teach this, your education is incomplete, use Google and get your 12th pass certificate.)

27. Finally, you also learn that you wasted 12 years of your life studying to finish school when you could have just trusted the sticker on your school bus that said...
"8th.9th.10th.Failed can do direct B.A./ B.Com./B.Sc. - 4th.Failed can do direct 10th...."

Nobel Peace Prize: Shortlist

Many people seem to think that Barack Obama should not have won the Nobel Peace Prize.

At the Secret Service of Lolland, we know better. 

For we have seen the Shortlist - the list of the top 10 contenders for the Nobel Peace Prize this year. After looking at them and their (abridged) resumes, we are sure that you, too, will agree that Barack should have won it - there was just no competition.

9. Saddam Hussein: for bringing more than ten years of peace to an entire country, by the simple method of killing everyone who wanted to befoul the peaceful atmosphere of Iraq by trying to kill him. He did kill a few more people than was strictly necessary, and in a few more countries than was strictly decent, but you should never take a chance, should you? 

8. That Boring History Teacher: for increasing world peace by instantly putting 60 students to painless, healthy sleep for an hour three times a week in every school in the world. The Boring History Teacher deserves a special mention, because he/she can cause this blessed state of peace even when talking about something as horrifically violent as World War II. Of course, not all History teachers are boring, but we haven't seen too many examples of this endangered species, so this nomination stands. 

7. The Australian Cricket Team: for appearing in a must-lose-for-India-to-advance cricket match against Pakistan, and hence making Indians cheer for Pakistanis. This would have won for sure, but Pakistan lost, thereby increasing the negative feelings Indians had for Pakistanis hundredfold.

6. Applicants for jobs: who make resumes that have so many accomplishments and achievements and laurels that it is hard to understand why the applicant is not already the President of the Universe and Husband of Megan Fox. Setting those aside, the applicant should at least qualify for the Nobel Peace Prize based on his exemplary character, which combines the saintliness of God, all the angels and Mahatma Gandhi.

5. Nirupa Roy: for always playing the role of the Bechaari Maa in every Hindi film there was for a long time, and crying so much and looking so sad so often that nobody had the heart to fight too much in her presence. Also, the audience tends to go to sleep when she comes on screen, thereby changing their state to a more peaceful one. Her form of struggle is even more powerful than Mahatma Gandhi's Ahimsa - Struggle by Boredom and Tears.

4. Crystal Harris (Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend): she created a new climate in international politics. Multilateral diplomacy has regained a central position, with emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play. Dialogue and negotiations are preferred as instruments for resolving even the most difficult international conflicts. The vision of a world free from nuclear arms has powerfully stimulated disarmament and arms control negotiations. Thanks to her initiative, the USA is now playing a more constructive role in meeting the great climatic challenges the world is confronting. Democracy and human rights are to be strengthened.

Oh...wait.

3. Stone Cold Steve Austin: for bringing the peace of unconsciousness to more than 1000 souls, by giving them Stunners; for adding to their peace by cooling down their body by pouring beer on it. (The Undertaker was on this list for saying 'Rest in Peace' multiple times every week, but there was a rule of only one wrestler. Besides, the World Heavyweight Championship Nobel Peace Prize cannot be given to the Undead.)

2. The Shiv Sena: OK, this is slightly complicated. War is the opposite of Peace, right? Right.

Now, everyone has heard the saying 'Make Love, not War'. So Love is also an opposite of War, and competes with Peace for this. The Shiv Sena are against public display of love, and are against love at all between unmarried couples (especially on February 14). So they favour Peace in this titanic struggle. So they should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

1. George W. Bush: for proving that a world which laughs together at a President is more united. At least, in their shoe-throwing. Also, for invading only two countries instead of eight in his Presidential tenure.

0. Peter Buckley (the worst boxer in the world): for taking non-violence to the arena where it would hurt him the most - the boxing ring. He had an astonishing 256 defeats in his career, and said things like "I’m always in the gym, so if I get a call a couple of hours before a fight, I usually say yes". Also, he promoted peace by spreading prosperity among those of his fans who liked a wager. I mean, when one of the fighters in a bout has lost 256 matches, it doesn't take Einstein to figure out whom to back.

Lessons from Bollywood

The Secret Service of Lolland is always keen to learn more about the world from every possible source. After reading this list, we wondered if maybe it was possible to learn about the world from Bollywood as well. And, it was.

We present to you:

Things You Would Never Know Without Bollywood

(Please suggest more in the comments. The suggestions we have already got are at the end.)

1. If you are chasing villains in a high speed car chase, the police will sportingly not intervene or challan you for speeding.

2. Writer, poet, inventor, genius, warrior, singer, lover, entrepreneur - your average Indian coolie or milkman or taxi driver.

3. Indians have mastered telepathy to perform impromptu synchronized acts of dance.

4. Indians can change clothes, dance locations, and their age at will in a blink.

5. Dodging bullets is easier when driving.

6. It is always fun to mess with peoples' minds by boarding a flight and then sneaking back down to surprise your lover who reached the airport just in time to see your flight take off.

7. All butlers in India are named Ramu Kaka.

8. Murphy's Law of Bollywood - If it can only happen in a Bollywood movie, it must happen in every Bollywood movie.

9. Murphy's Second Law - If the probability of a bullet hitting the hero is 50%, the probability of it hitting the hero's best friend or brother is 100%.

10. Sentimental outbursts always win cases in Indian courts, especially when faced with insurmountable evidence.

11. All the hottest females are single all their lives till they find their true soulmate.

12. Nightclubs, pubs and discotheques are evil.

13. All thoughts in a person's mind are narrated loudly by an invisible celestial fairy.

14. If there is a love triangle, one of them must die for a couple to live happily ever after. There are no amicable separations.

15. 1 billion Indians, yet brothers separated at birth have a 100% chance of meeting later in life.

16. An aspiring lawyer should pursue professional acting courses rather than law degrees.

17. The Indian Penal Code is a big leatherbound book with only one article - Article 302.

18. The best way to survive a gunshot is to use a red hot knife to poke the bullet out.

19. S is pronounced as F.

20. Never murder anyone who has a pet. That goldfish will hunt you down and avenge its master.

21. Reincarnations are essentially clones of the person born after their death.

22. All terminal illnesses cause coughing of blood.

23. Indian Airport Security is sensitive to the demands of young boys who wish to propose to the girl of their dreams at the boarding gate.

24. Hand grenades usually come with a wide range of colourful smoke selections.

25. If you are not bald, you cannot be the top henchman of the villain. You usually can't even be the villain.

26. Hot girls give their phone numbers and address to random guys.

27. Women wear lip-gloss while sleeping.

28. No car in Bollywood ever needs petrol.

29. Human reincarnations can occur as a result of conversion of a mother's energy into mass.

30. Body tattoos should be used instead of Post-its.

31. If you are poor, in love with a rich girl and saving her from the Mafia, your brother/best friend is bound to die.

32. Your hot boss has a crush on you even though you smell of dead fish every morning.

33. All cars detonate and are blown a mile up in the air on impact with anything.

34. No one, ever, has had a call of nature during a conversation. However, nature conveniently calls the villain or underlings thereof if the good guy needs to sneak into a guarded fortress.

35. Guns do not kill people, they just make them drunk, groggy and whole lot angrier.

36. If shooting a man in the arm or shoulder does not work and he is still coming for you, it is useless to shoot him in the face. He is probably Superman.

37. Love at first sight never wears off.

38. Chemotherapy has never worked. Ever.

39. Credits roll for at least 15 years.

40. Every single person finds their true love someday. However all parents are arranged married couples.

41. Motorbikes on Indian streets are always parked with their keys in place.

42. Stray dogs, cats, pigs and MNS activists are all spirits from the outer world and hence cannot be captured on camera.

43. Rajnikanth can slam a revolving door.

44. Train roofs are a perfect spot to practice that moonwalk.

45. One Indian with a bullet in his forehead can alone kill a million Pakistanis with a hand pump. For more on this, go here.

46. (via Devang) All sisters are the most fertile women. They always get pregnant after the villain takes advantage of them for even a few seconds.

47. (via Devang) Nature symbolizes all love making scenes in India, with the bird aptly flying away, the flower falling off, and the leaves bending towards one another while a guy and a girl are making out nearby.

48. (via Harsh) Roofs of tall buildings, from where the villain can fall off and die, are always the preferred place for the climactic meeting of the hero and villain.

49. (via Harsh) Also, after falling from the aforesaid building, the villain will always land on a car in a way that causes the car's horn to sound indefinitely...

50. (via Anshuman) The hero's brother (with a bullet wound) dies within five minutes after a farewell speech and after making hero and heroine join hands. The hero himself doesn't die until after half an hour of kickin villain-ass.

51. (via Radha) No matter how rich the heroine's father is, she will fall in love with a factory worker in her dad's factory.

52. (via Radha) Whenever the villain is making plans the hero will enter, clap thrice and say something like "Wah Kalra Saheb Wah".

53. (via Aditya) Every household has a bottle of poison (with POISON written in capitals on the label) handy...just in case somebody feels like commiting suicide.

54. (via Vishal) A horse carrying both the hero and heroine is always faster than the jeeps and bikes following it.

55. (via Vishal) However, if you are a villain on a horse you are bound to get shot even if you are 2 km ahead and the shot is fired from a cheap toy pistol.

56. (via Vishal) Every Indian is capable of instantaneously singing an original song (with just-made-up lyrics), and to summon an invisible band for support at any given time.